I think that it is accurate to say that the video did not show how the person studying feels about breaking of a personal connection and the impact that it will have on the person. Through studying, I have learned that Jehovah Witnesses' loyalty is to the Watchtower Society. If they can cease communication with a disfellowshipped loved one, then they are not concerned as to the negative effects that ending a bible study can have on the person who is studying.
I am concerned as to the impact that ending the bible study will have on my study conductor. I worry about how the study conductor will be viewed by the congregation and whether the study conductor will be made to feel shame by the congregation. I worry about how the study conductor will be treated by the congregation.
I also feel guilt about the dedication that the study conductor displayed towards me.
Jehovah Witness teach that if you are brought to Jehovah and you renounce him, he will renounce you forever. Therefore, if I end the study, I will be viewed as having renounced Jehovah and being an apostate. I do not feel that I am renouncing God by no longer wanting to continue to study. However, that is how it will be viewed.
I was honest when I said that as my studies progressed, I felt that what I was being taught was becoming progressively negative. However, if I were to say this to my study conductor, I fear that I will be labeled an apostate. Whenever, I have expressed an opinion that was in opposition to what I was being taught, I was shown bible scriptures that supported what I was being taught. I have even sensed anger and defensiveness from my study conductor whenever I have said something that was not in agreement with what my study conductor was teaching. It became a situation where I felt that I could not express my opinions. Eventually, I just shutdown and stopped expressing my opinions.
I am sure that my study conductor has noticed a change. I used to be very active in commenting at the meetings, reading the literature and watching the broadcast. Now I just remain silent.
Thank-you to everyone for your kind words and advice. Its been helpful to me in coping with the situation that I find myself in.